chapter 21: half baked

conquering perfectionist tendencies, imposter syndrome, + identity crises

While I definitely did not peak in college, seeing all the NYU grads trotting around in bright purple regalia has me nostalgic for the days when my biggest responsibility was writing a final paper and choosing classes for next quarter. The quote “youth is wasted on the young” couldn’t be more apt. I would kill for some guidelines for adulthood.

class of 2020 graduation pics be like

But despite the straightforward requirements, college was hard.

The problem with going to an “elite” university is that you’re no longer the special one. As someone who always took honors classes and got praised for my work in high school, it was a huge shakeup. I felt unspeakably average. I tried to hold onto my high school self, taking honors math for three whole quarters despite not really *getting* theoretical calculus (a class for math majors, something I had no interest in being)

How could I move on from who I’d been my whole life? The identity crisis sent me into a tailspin; 18-year-old me was too scared to branch out, clinging to what I believed I was supposed to do. Since I had no clue what I wanted to do, I copied what everyone else did: joined a sorority and became an econ major.

In my ideal world, the struggles and failures would have shown me that I should persist. That I shouldn’t be afraid to try. That, for once, I didn’t have to be good at everything. I wish 18-year-old Madeleine would’ve felt relieved by the forcible shattering of her perfectionistic mindset.

Instead, the opposite happened.

I changed my mindset: if I didn’t try, my failures couldn’t hurt me. If I didn’t put in effort, the results weren’t a product of my true capabilities. Yes: I wouldn’t know what I could actually achieve if I tried. But I could keep my interior shrine intact - let myself believe that I was capable and gifted and smart and good.

It worked for a while. But as things stayed hard my self-image started to shatter. Maybe I couldn’t do hard things. Maybe I couldn’t do anything.

It’s a battle I still fight all the time. Should I try, or should I coast? If I can’t do something perfectly, why try at all? It’s led to a lot of empty hours… and a lot of time feeling wholly unfulfilled.

When I started this newsletter (over two years ago! crazy), I didn’t make any commitments. I didn’t want it to become another thing I hated, or that made me feel inadequate or incapable. My self-image couldn’t withstand letting myself down.

At the same time, I enjoyed writing these chapters. I tried to think of it as public journaling. No stress - just a stream of consciousness (that I would later edit, of course).

Last December, I stopped feeling capable of writing. My brain felt so empty. I felt like I had injured my leg, and needed to learn to walk again. But instead, I needed to learn to think again.

And so I stopped writing. I didn’t ponder anything or write down my observations. God forbid I form underdeveloped opinions! Who would want to read my half-baked thoughts?

What I’d forgotten: I wasn’t writing for other people. Well, I was. But I was mostly writing for myself; to challenge myself and connect with people I love (and people I don’t know, too)

I let myself lose sight of that, forgetting that half-baked is better than raw.

So here I am, showing up with half-baked thoughts.

And look what happened!

thanks for being here, half-baked or not <3

Perfectionism once seemed like a balm to soothe the chaos of the world. But it stopped me from being in the world, keeping me in my head (which is not always the best place to be). Though my brain still feels empty sometimes, I’m not letting it stop me from trying. Taking action always leads you somewhere, even if it’s not where you expect to go.

Moral of the story: don’t be afraid to put something out that’s half-baked.

It’s better than nothing!!

XOXO,

Madz

fully baked! ginger molasses cookies from NYT Cooking