chapter 1: avoidance

Why am I starting a newsletter? An age-old question.

Why am I starting a newsletter? An age-old question.
 
I get very nervous sharing anything about myself. It’s something I’m working on. But there is literally no worse moment in my life than when a large event happens (i.e. getting a new job, my grandfather dying, etc.) and I realize I have to tell everyone about it.  Who am I supposed to tell? Do I make a group chat? A Facebook post??
 
It’s something I’ve been actively working on (2021 was my Year of Honesty) but honestly, it still sucks and it’s still hard. 
 
For whatever reason (I won’t psychoanalyze too much), I feel a lot of pressure to be entertaining and fun without drawing TOO much attention to myself. It’s the classic duality of man: we are both highly self-conscious and highly self-centered beings. My personal ideal is to be pleasant to be around, but not cause too much *fuss* or drama. It’s a careful balancing act that doesn’t really yield much… besides people forgetting to invite me to parties and general emotional unavailability.
 
I’d like people to know that there’s more to me than my crazy stories and loud laugh and collection of cool hats. It’s scary being vulnerable, and easier to turn heavy things into jokes. But I’m trying not to do that anymore, so here we are: practicing expressing my thoughts and feelings without the pressure of nonverbal cues, as god intended. 
 
I’m trying to be different. And I’m trying to be better. Aren’t we all?
 
So back to the newsletter:
 
I’m envisioning that this will be in the style of Emma Chamberlain’s podcast: a semi-casual stream of consciousness with minimal editing, probably done in bed; easy to consume and (hopefully) worth the effort. 
 
Could be fun!! 
 
I’ve always liked writing, but up until recently it always felt too hard to even start. All my thoughts and opinions were used up on papers and discussion posts, so at the end of the day I was pretty much Empty. 
 
I feel like this phenomenon is most relatable when it comes to reading – during school, there’s this omnipresent necessity to Read with Purpose. It’s EXHAUSTING, and frankly made me forget the joy of reading for pleasure. After reading stopped being a requirement, I kind of “rediscovered” it, and am now somewhat of a reading fiend (hold for applause).
 
Needless to say, when you start doing something out of necessity, you run out of energy to find it fun. Or to find anything fun, really (but maybe that’s just burnout or depression). It’s why I feel like so many people regret turning their hobbies into “side hustles,” and basically why the phrase “do what you love for work, and you’ll never work a day in your life” is NOT TRUE, QED. It’s too much pressure, not enough fun. Not enough enjoyment. 
 
So anyways, here we are. Writing for enjoyment, but also for self-improvement and connection.
 
This is just a little intro, so I’ll keep it brief! Thanks for joining me, whatever this ends up being. See you next time :)
 
Love,
Madeleine