chapter 8: does it matter where we are?
on choosing where to live, and what it means to be "home"
Last Sunday, there was a crazy thunderstorm in New York. I love when it rains. The gentle patter of the skies cleaning the streets, an occasional burst of thunder. Rain drops spattered my window for the first time since I moved in. Living on the 14th floor with a direct view into an office building, the rain doesn’t seem to reach me unless it’s angled just so.
The silent summer downpours have been distressing. It’s the same kind of distress I feel at a loud restaurant or bar, screaming “WHAT?” as my friend tells me a story. Not the end of the world, but I’d really just like to hear some rain.
You can’t really hear much of anything up here. It’s the paradox of living in a high-rise. You’re in the city - because where else would a high rise be? - but so far removed from anything that defines your surroundings. Up here, I can’t hear the people or the sounds. I can’t feel the energy. With my blinds closed, I could be anywhere. When I’m really focused, I forget I’m in New York completely. I’m just in My Room, being Me. The (still barely audible) honking of rush hour traffic brings me back, and there I am. Still in My Room, but remembering what I’m doing. Remembering that I’m in New York, that the world exists outside of the safe cocoon I’ve been building for the past three months.
I can’t imagine that forgetting where you are is an evolutionary trait. Thinking critically about it, our surroundings matter less than ever. 1000+ years ago, knowing where you were meant that you knew how to farm the land, how to speak the language, how to navigate the streets and stores. One city to the next was a whole world away. And moving across the country - or across the world - must have been an almost-deadly culture shock.
But now, there isn’t as much variation from place to place. The possible environments are more limited, and very versatile. It’s not hard to find a small town near a big city, or a quiet neighborhood in an urban center. If I wanted to live in a city, I could choose to be near a park or next to the water. If I wanted to live in a small town, I could find one that was semi-hip - with a pottery studio and an independent coffee shop, at the very least. As people move around, our tastes disperse. Just like how immigrant communities established thriving neighborhoods with stores that cater to their culture, people who leave their cities or towns love to find a slice of home - even if it’s a simple thing like always having a Starbucks around (reading this back, I guess I’m just describing a more gentle gentrification).
And so, the more I travel to new places with adult eyes - assessing places on parameters that aren’t candy-centric (Germany wins, btw) - the more I could see myself living anywhere. Visiting Nana’s house on Cape Cod, I imagined it wouldn’t be so bad to be a local. I even cried the other day playing Stardew Valley, thinking how nice it would be to have a farm next to a small, intimate town.
But those examples are misleading. I’m a city girl at heart, after all!
The city isn’t just a city, just like small towns aren’t just small towns. A place is the people, the stores, the smiles, the streets. It’s the ice cream you get on a hot day, or the coffee shop barista who always compliments your outfit. It’s your daily routine, whatever it might be. It’s why new places feel so exciting; routine goes out the window, and the possibilities of each day stretch out before us with endless potential.
One of my favorite parts of the city is the parks. It seems so removed from the bustle of Manhattan - like you could be anywhere in the world. I love the juxtaposition, especially, of the parks along the East River in Brooklyn. The parks are cute and calm and green, but you can see the whole New York skyline. It reminds me of “The Ledge” in Chicago: a slab of concrete beach juxtaposed against the beginnings of downtown.
Maybe what I mean to say is that I love a place with options. Not in the way that gives me decision fatigue, but in the way that I don’t change my whole personality, style, and demeanor just because I moved.
There are a ton of TikToks documenting this phenomena; I promise I didn’t make it up. The videos are meant to reminisce on the different chapters of someone’s life. A slideshow of how they dressed when they lived in California vs. Copenhagen. A video compilation of them in the suburbs vs. them in New York. Some of it is just coming-of-age, or just changing trends. But it’s alarming to me how fast some people seem to soak up the world around them. The sudden change doesn’t signify “coming into yourself” - it just seems like being unsure of yourself.
And being unsure of yourself is a slippery slope. The endless conformity makes it hard to act in a way that’s true to yourself. As I said in my last newsletter, I came here with a lot of caution. I didn’t want to just fall into the NYC menace girl lifestyle - no matter how fun and glamorous it seems. Because whether or not I’m a menace, I am many other things, too.
So I’m taking it slow. Finding the things I love: the parks and the stores and the streets that make me feel the most alive. After all, where you live doesn’t define you. And if you know what you like, anywhere you go can be home.
10 things I liked this week
soft recommendations
Last week I recommended Painting Can Save Your Life, and I am here to confirm that I’m having a nice time following along with the painting exercises. I walked through Dimes Square to get to the new Blick in SoHo (brave) and spent <$100 on my new hobby!
some select pieces on display in my painting studio (on top of my air conditioner) In the spirit of creativity, I will also prematurely endorse Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (the Eat, Pray, Love lady). One of the reviews says: “A must read for anyone hoping to live a creative life… I dare you not to be inspired to be brave, to be free, and to be curious.” I don’t see how we could say no to that! I’ll report back once I’ve read >1 chapter, but so far… I’m inspired.
Alex Aster is an author I’ve been following on TikTok for a while. Her new book came out and it’s been ranked #1 everywhere for the last month. All her happy TikToks about how she almost gave up after getting rejected dozens of times keep making me cry. And I will obviously be buying the new book, Lightlark, very soon!!! (though I have to say I’m disheartened by the reviews LMAO)
Still fighting for my life (and winning) in the pottery studio! Here is my favorite thing from my last pickup:
tableaux featuring the bowl I made :D I would recommend a plunger to everyone. I did not have one and I regret that decision, but I have one now. No further details at this time
These candles are the only candles that don’t give me a headache. And they’re low waste! Win-win
This article on China’s affect on the fishing industry was really insane. Who knew they were fishing so heavily in South America? The article was equally informative and distressing - and of particular interest to me because I love deep-sea fishing content.
I am rediscovering the joys of great falafel. It was such a staple for me growing up vegetarian, but I think I burned out on it along the way. Anyways, I love falafel.
Last week I recommended yoga, and now I’m back to recommend pilates. I had been running pretty consistently, but it seems to be wrecking havoc on my once-sprained knee. That being said, I haven’t done a single floor ab workout that made me SO SORE (even though I felt fine in class). See you next summer with a six pack!!
Buying trip tickets very early. Do not wait. I have been burned too many times recently!! If you have a trip coming up, just buy the tickets now. Waiting always seems to be a mistake
