chapter 7: the "people person"
are you really a "people person", or are you a people pleaser?
Hello! We’re on the new platform (Substack). Let me know if you like it. So far, I am a fan. But we’ll see.
Josh’s family keeps getting married. So, I’ve seen a lot of his family in the past month or so. Many of whom I had never met. (I’m very brave, I know)
If we’ve been together at any large gathering, you might know that I have very specific philosophies when it comes to socializing and meeting new people. I try to be as friendly as possible, always tilt my body to let people into the coveted “circle”, and always wear something that’s easy to comment on.
In my opinion, wearing a conversation piece is the polite thing to do. A huge, glittering ring. A funny t-shirt. A bright pair of shoes. Some fun makeup. Or maybe just something bold and insane (see below).
A good outfit never fails! And the same was true at the weddings. But here’s what’s on my mind: this one conversation I had in a buffet line. It lasted one minute, tops. Just some light chit-chat that started with a Cool Woman commenting on my dress. It’s from Amazon, but it’s from a special collection from Making the Cut (a new-age Project Runway). I asked this woman if she had heard of the show, and she shook her head, looked me in the eye, and said: “tell me about it.”
This interaction might not seem like it warrants a whole paragraph, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I didn’t even speak to this woman again! And yet, I found myself gushing to everyone about what a great conversationalist she was. Is this what dating coaches mean when they say “ask questions”? Possibly. But this felt like more. I had finally found it. A real people person.
And what is a people person, really? It’s what I’ve always dreamed of being, and tried to force myself into becoming. It’s someone who is effortless, impactful, friendly, always invited. When you’re tuned into the minutiae of the social spheres around you, it’s all you aspire to be.
Maybe I’m wrong, and you don’t want to be a people person - have never wanted to be one. That’s okay. It’s crazy, but ok.
Honestly, maybe being a people person isn’t so great. People people (the unfortunate plural of “people person”) may just be a more fine-tuned version of a people pleaser. As a recovering people pleaser myself, this is obviously very distressing.
Being in a new city where my friendships are still forming, I’m realizing that being well-liked and well-received can make you feel kind of lonely. You end up catering your personality, your actions, your voice, and your opinions to other people’s expectations or wants. And it just makes you feel empty. You lose yourself in all the catering and people pleasing.
It’s not bad to be a people person. There’s just a thin line between “people person” and “people pleaser.”
The more I do stuff alone here, the more I’m realizing that a lot of the activities I used to do might’ve just been to fit in. I thought that when I moved to New York, I would be going out every single weekend, meeting a ton of new people while I was out, taking drunken Ubers or subway rides home; overall just becoming the type of menace typical of an NYC transplant girl.
I’m surprising myself with the things I like most about New York. I love the energy, of course. How everyone walks like they’re on a mission. You really can’t exist here on accident - everything is purposeful.
And it’s crazy to walk through the “scene-y” places downtown, even if I’m not a part of them. Besides maybe the Harajuku area in Tokyo, I don’t think I’ve been somewhere with so many great outfits.
As I was telling my therapist, the thing I love most about day-to-day life is the low barrier to entry. It feels low-stress to go outside and do things, even when I’m in an iffy mood. What I mean is that everything feels anonymous, so I wouldn’t feel weird if I started crying in public or something. To be clear, that hasn’t happened. But it’s nice to have the option.
I love reading. Reading on the train or in the park or at a coffee shop. Maybe, if I’m brave, at a very cozy-looking hotel bar down the street from me. There are so many bookstores here, too. I like going in just to browse (it’s never just to browse). The bookstores feel intimate - the independent ones all have this intimate, small-town vibe.
I love walking here. I love walking a lot. I love the walk home from pottery across the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset, and the walk to trivia through what I think is Dimes Square (where the “cool downtown people” hang out). I am possibly in training for a walk from the tippy top of Manhattan to the tippy bottom, but that’s like 15 miles… so we’ll see.
Don’t get me wrong. There have been and will be crazy NYC nights (I’m nothing if not a 24-year-old menace). But I’m doing things on my terms. Not going out as a people pleaser or a people person - just going out as myself.
10 things I liked this week
soft recommendations
Another great Maybe Baby newsletter about our collective quest to quantify and track our lives. From steps to calories to hours of sleep or books read, I think everyone is guilty of this. As someone who sometimes tracks to the point of semi-unhealthy obsession, it made me reconsider how I really tell if I’ve done enough, eaten enough, or moved my body enough. We know ourselves best! And it’s usually best to listen to your own needs, rather than race to have the best life on paper. A great read. And a great newsletter! Subscribe if you haven’t
Painting Can Save Your Life. Per my last newsletter on my struggles with being creative for the sake of it, I am trying my best. I’ve found painting my apartment to be very cathartic and suspiciously nostalgic, so finding this book on painting seemed fated. The writing is great and the ideas are approachable and easy to follow. I’m plotting my journey to Blick so I can start following along with the exercises.
The Kind Worth Killing by Peter Swanson. I just finished it this morning, and when I went to mark it as “read” on my Goodreads account, I was shocked that the author is a man. He really nailed the female perspective, in my opinion.
Anyways. The book is kind of Gone Girl-esque. It’s a murder plot (not my usual choice) where a woman convinces a stranger to kill his wife. The plot unfolds, you learn more about the characters, you get shocked over and over again. I genuinely gasped a few times. Anyways, 5/5 stars from me! Let me know if you read it.
PS - add me on Goodreads if you have one!I’m getting back into yoga. It’s something that never really leaves you after you learn it once, which is good since Equinox basically seems to assume everyone has gone through yoga teacher training. If you’ve never tried it, would highly recommend. It’s good for stretching, anxiety, groundedness, mind-body connection.. really everything.
The Avatar movie came back into theaters near me. Presumably, they’re showing it in anticipation of the sequel releasing in December. It really hits - highly recommend a rewatch (preferably in 3D).
It’s almost fall, which means it’s puzzle season. Josh and I did this supremely cute corgi museum one when I visited him a couple of weeks ago. I feel like it photographed a little poorly - I promise it’s quite vibrant.
We painted it with puzzle glue, too, because obviously it’s a masterpiece deserving of wall real estate.
Setting up little weekly activities. I’ve been going to pottery and trivia every week since I moved here, but I’m planning on becoming a regular at the mid-afternoon yoga and pilates classes at the gym.
The steam room. I am a life-long fan, and I feel like all the steaming is making my skin kind of glowy.
One of my friends had her crossword published in the New York Times!! September 22nd, if you’re wondering. So I’ve been getting very into that - would recommend.
Enjoying what I fear is the last of summer produce… farewell, tomato sandwiches:
Ingredients: 2 slices of bread, lettuce or leafy green of choice, mayo (I use vegan, obviously), 1 very ripe and fresh heirloom tomato from the farmer’s market, salt and pepper to taste
Toast bread. I have no toaster, so I like to toast them in my cast iron with a little olive oil. Slice half of tomato - I like thin slices to layer. Assemble bread, mayo on both, lettuce (I like arugula), then tomato slices on top (key so the lettuce doesn’t fall out). Salt and pepper to taste. I eat mine open-faced but it is your sandwich so you make the rules
Until next time,
Madeleine