chapter 6: barrier to entry
Something a little different this week (month?). I'm feeling inspired to write but unable to breathe life into the skeleton newsletters in my drafts folder. That's what happens sometimes. You have a great idea, and you want to write. You sit down to write. But the words sound all wrong, and it's impossible to get the thoughts out of your head in a coherent way. Such is life.
Obviously, this is a very low stakes and inconsistent newsletter. But I like writing, and I like sharing. And I told myself I would send a newsletter every week! Clearly that hasn't happened. And that's okay, but I'd still prefer to be better. Even if the readers are just 20 people I love who I thought might be interested in reading whatever I wanted to share. Thank you if you're reading this, by the way. If you just like the recommendations at the bottom of every newsletter, I don't blame you. That's my favorite part, too.
Sometimes, it feels physically painful to do things I love. Especially creative pursuits. I have to hype myself up for it like I'm getting a shot (or taking a shot). It's probably a case of I-subconsciously-don't-think-I-deserve-to-have-a-creative-and-fulfilled-life-and-also-believe-that-I'll-fail, but I'll ask my therapist and get back to you on the exact origins of this dilemma.
Last week was my last week of pottery, and it actually pained me to go. I was pretty anxious. And it was raining. And it was my first time trying my new brushes. Actually being in the studio did not help, and was basically a disaster. It was very crowded and overwhelming, but I spent the three hours dutifully glazing my 5 pieces.
the pieces in question
Honestly? It kind of sucked. AND I feel like I might've ruined some of the pieces, but I'll update about that as well. I'm glad I went and did it, and next time it won't be so nerve-wracking. Creative work takes practice, and I always have to remind myself that it's low-stakes. I don't owe it to anyone to be the best at pottery after taking 2 classes, and I certainly don't owe it to anyone to be the best at writing newsletters after sending 5 newsletters out.
I've been seeing a ton of discourse (TikTok videos) about finding new hobbies as an adult. As always, the algorithm is frighteningly accurate! And it's a good reminder that you don't have to be good at something to try it or like it or love it. You can suck at something and still enjoy it, and that's more than okay.
And it's not even about the act of it - it's the intention. My job is very writing-heavy, and when I'm in writing mode I have no trouble cranking out 1000+ words on a piece about TikTok! But put me in the tinyletter interface and I'm a blank slate, unable to properly convey my thoughts on anything except for my own difficulties with creativity.
It's very scary to be creative, especially when it seems like so many other people are better at it. Better at being creative, better at having hobbies. But it's not high-stakes to express yourself or enjoy yourself or make something that you're proud of or that you think is beautiful. It's fun to create, but we're hardwired to contribute. If we aren't good enough at something for it to be "worthwhile" or "profitable", it doesn't feel worth it. It just feels painful. To me, at least.
Does anyone else feel like that? It can't just be me and the TikTokers
I'll leave you with my first bowl I made at the studio in Brooklyn. It's not perfect, but I'm very proud of it. And I signed up for another class, just because I like doing pottery. No pressure to get better. Just to have fun!
my first bowl :D
10 things I liked this month
soft recommendations. ps I started writing this section whenever I sent the last newsletter, so don't assume I waited a whole month to finish Better Call Saul.
Equinox deodorant. I've been showering there whenever I can because their shower game is unmatched, but I usually BYOD because of my sensitive armpit skin (niche ailment, I know). BUT they must have switched or something, because the new one is natural and smells like their signature essential oil blend.
books by female Japanese authors, which seem to never miss in terms of social commentary. I read and recommend all three books by new favorite author, Sayaka Murata! I especially love Life Ceremony, which is her collection of short stories. I just started All the Lovers in the Night by Mieko Kawakami, which is excellent so far.
the last episode of Better Call Saul... omg
Emma Chamberlain's newest podcast episode about failing, which really hit home for me. Highly recommend everyone listen (here is the link if you use Apple Podcasts, as god intended)
Avatar: The Last Airbender, which Josh and I finally finished after starting it over a year ago. Yeah, I cried
The song Awakening played by Federico Mecozzi has been on repeat for me. I'm not sure if it's his originally, but it's energizing violin music, which is all you need to know. Equally suitable for focus music or as a subway soundtrack.
Press on nails. Specifically these multi-colored pastel French tip ones, which really hit at Josh's brother's wedding last weekend. I am becoming increasingly disillusioned by manicures, so these really satisfy the part of me that needs my nails to look pretty without risking paying $40 to ruin my cuticles and nail beds.
Running again!! I've been back on a semi-regular exercise schedule, and it's been supremely good for my anxiety (though not great for my knees)
painting the walls/customizing my apartment in general. I painted my door pink, made a blue accent wall, hung up shelves, and trolled the city for Facebook marketplace finds. It makes such a big difference to put my own touch on things.
A revolutionary assemblage/recipe for tomatoey beans:
Ingredients: 1 can of white beans, 1 pint of cherry tomatoes, 1 head of garlic, olive oil
Make your weekly tomatoes confit as per usual. If I'm the only one who does this, that's okay - I'll list the secrets here. Place tomatoes and peeled garlic cloves into a shallow, oven-safe pan (they should cover the bottom. I use my cast iron) and cover in olive oil. Put in oven at ~325º for an hour-ish. The garlic and tomatoes should be soft and the oil should be sizzling
You might think that this is a waste of olive oil, but the leftover oil is really delicious to use for cooking or in salad dressings. I promise
Straight out of the oven, dump a can of beans (rinsed) right into the tomato confit you just made.
That's it. That's the recipe. The tomatoey beans are delicious. So good on their own or in a grain bowl or salad. Reminiscent of deconstructed baked beans!
Until next time!
Madeleine