chapter 4: late nights, perfectionism, and intentional internet rabbit holes
There's nothing quite like the intensity of a furious after-hours internet search. I waste plenty of time online, but something about an intentional time expenditure makes me feel like a curious and crafty investigator.
The repetitive motions of the internet are always soothing to me; I find that there's an unparalleled catharsis in clicking through Instagram stories or opening hundreds of tabs to compare moisturizers. Sometimes it can be nice to be on autopilot - and it almost feels like meditating. But to me, the best hours on the internet are always spent curiously investigating a topic... aka learning.
(The irony is not lost on me that my curiosity for learning seems to be peaking after finishing an expensive and arduous 18 years of school)
As part of my self-imposed "curriculum," I've gone down a lot of internet rabbit holes lately. Tonight, trying to figure out what happened to Caroline Calloway's apartment (this is just a video after she left her apartment - I encourage full consumption of the saga) eventually led me to read every article ever about Cat Marnell and also order her book on Amazon at 2am.
At some point, my newly self-aware brain was thinking, "why am I wasting time reading about people I don't know? why do I care about them?" But that's not true. This perusal wasn't the same as looking through stories on Instagram in a doom-scrolling-induced state of catatonia. I love being inspired by weird and crazy and bold people - and here we are, writing! Sometimes you just need a little bit of intrigue to get you inspired again.
Not that I haven't been inspired recently. I wrote 3 separate newsletters since the last one I sent over two week ago. But the inboxes of my 16 eager fans (hello) have remained empty! I was being too much of a perfectionist. Of course, my particular breed of perfectionism is less "things have to be perfect" and more "I'm scared to even try because what if I suck." So I'm trying to be brave. It's all a process.
I'd be lying if I said I had any useful insights on perfectionism. I wish I did! The advice is to try - because the worst thing that happens is that you suck. And sucking isn't the end of the world, because you can always practice and get better. You're welcome for the advice.
As some accountability, here are some things I'm learning, relearning, would like to learn:
Spanish (semi-fluent but very rusty)
Japanese (0% fluent but very enthusiastic)
writing!!
rollerblading :) I bought rollerblades in 2020 and they are untouched :)
yoga
piano (semi-fluent but very rusty hehe)
10 things I liked this week
soft recommendations
using a disposable film camera. It really does make pictures more meaningful, and reminds me of being at summer camp
seeing Joseph in concert as a final farewell to Alana ):')
redownloading Pokemon Go! I've never been so inspired to leave my bed
seeing a movie in theaters for the first time since... 2019? Josh and I saw Jujutsu Kaisen, which I would rate an 8.2/10. I also had a blue raspberry slushie, which I would rate a 10/10.
rescheduling your long-distance boyfriend's flight so you can have 5 more days together (ps, no change fee does not mean what you think it means)
the Garfield conservatory flower show!! I am thrilled for springtime flowers!!
people-watching on the bus :) my favorite bus spottings are little kids and sweet old couples
subscribing to the department of salad newsletter. I really love salad so it was an obvious choice, but so far I'm appreciating it for its non-salad content as well
reading more of the YA dystopian book series Shatter Me. They really need to rebrand the young adult genre, because I assume all YA books are aimed toward teenagers. I bought the box set on a whim, which proved to be an excellent idea. 5 stars on Goodreads from me!!
making muffins out of my juice pulp, which was a cultural reset. they turned out surprisingly well sans recipe, so here is a brief (unmeasured) assemblage:
ingredients: pulp from your beet-ginger-carrot-apple juice (you can also just put these in a food processor or grate them and probably have similar muffins, but I would personally not go to that effort if I didn't also get juice out of it), a mason jar of chia pudding (a surprisingly good binder in lieu of egg), maple syrup to taste, olive oil, vanilla extract, a pinch of salt, flour, baking soda, cinnamon, flax seeds, shredded coconut
mix until combined, then bake for 40 minutes at 350º! You might think that's too long for muffins...but then you'd be overestimating my abilities to wing a muffin recipe, which is a felony
ps, you shouldn't try to make these. I was mostly fascinated that they turned out really well. Kind of like subtle carrot cake. Anyways don't make this recipe.
Until next time,
Madeleine :)