chapter 23: follow your fixations
is your new interest a distraction or a redirection? and my new (old?) obsession with perfume
When I fall in love, it’s unbearably intense
I’m up all night, smiling at my phone, rereading things
That’s the phase I’m in now
And before you ask… no, Josh and I didn’t break up.
My new love is not a person, but a sense. A scent
More specifically: perfume
Let’s start at the beginning of the love affair. As an awkwardly tall and slightly overweight middle schooler, it was essential to always smell good. Neutral at worst. Between classes, my friends and I shuffled back to our lockers to get whatever we needed for the next hour. They grabbed books and folders. I grabbed a handful of Lifesaver mints (the wint o green flavor, obviously).
I’d unwrap three and unceremoniously shove them in my cheeks, chipmunk-like. It was, after all, the era of kids accusing each other of having halitosis - a social death sentence. I was determined not to fall victim, surreptitiously sucking my mints hour after hour.
Of course, that was only the first of many attempts to smell good. I wanted people to sniff me like they might a fine wine, taking in my cleanliness and assuming that I tasted just as delicious as I smelled. Or, in this case, that I was worthy of being friends with, or at least harmless enough to not make fun of.
As the years passed, the fixation evolved into choosing only the best-smelling deodorants and body mists that Dove and Victoria's Secret (respectively) had to offer.
In high school, it was all about smelling sweet and fruity. My friends and I coveted scents from Marc Jacobs and over-sprayed until we left trails of ephemeral florals down the hallways.
As a teenage girl, fragrance was a no-brainer Christmas gift; I still have some of the rollerballs I got in my stocking 10 years ago. I loved the cute bottles from brands like Harajuku, but it wasn’t until my aunt Elisa gifted me a set from Sephora that I really understood what it meant to smell good.
It was the kind of gift that Sephora pushed hard for the holidays. And it’s kind of perfect: you buy a box of minis for someone, and they get a credit to purchase one of the bottles from the set. That way, you aren’t choosing a fragrance for someone, but they still get a full bottle in the end. Genius!
That’s when I found what has, until recently, been my signature perfume: Versace Bright Crystal. Sweet enough to appease my teenage sensibilities, with a cooling citrus edge that makes it more than a simple sugar bomb.
My quest to smell perfect ended when I discovered my signature scent. It felt like a closed case: like okay, so this is what I’ll smell like for the rest of my life!
That is, until recently.
Last fall, when I still had TikTok on my phone, I found a video recommending scents to people based on their favorite perfumes. Shockingly, she mentioned Bright Crystal (my gatekept secret?!), suggesting a scent called YSL Libre as a more “grown-up” version.
Before that, I’d never considered my fragrance of 10+ years to be juvenile. In my mind, we grew up together. But it couldn’t hurt to try something else, right?
At Sephora, I was intoxicated by the smell. I hurriedly asked my grandma for it for Christmas, right there in the store. It’s calming and sophisticated with a touch of bright citrus. Whenever I wear it now, I feel like I’m channeling the energy of a very confident woman at a cocktail party with a bright smile, a structured leather bag, and a soothing presence.
If you can’t tell, this is something I’ve been thinking about a LOT. Once I realized I don’t have to smell the same every day, I started thinking about how I want to smell. I’ve been learning about different notes, various perfume houses… I even signed up for a perfume history class in a few weeks. I’m on the waiting list at the library for three different books on perfumery, and I check Fragrantica (a perfume website) like it’s Instagram.
A trip to the Nordic Museum in Seattle this summer locked in the obsession. At the end of our visit, Michelle and I hit the gift shop to see what Nordic goods we might want. I stumbled across the most beautiful display of perfumes in bottles like I’d never seen before. Compared to the borderline-gaudy designer perfumes I was used to, the sleek black bottles looked like art. The brand was none other than Fischersund, the Icelandic perfumery. And the scents were like nothing I’d ever sampled. All so fresh and verdant, they smell like a walk through the Icelandic wilderness.
After that, the fixation sort of spiraled out of control
Lately, as I wake up to devour more information on famous perfumers of the 20th century instead of going to the gym or writing Very Madz, I wonder if it’s just a distraction from what I *should* be doing. If I want to write, shouldn’t I write?
But I remember what Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love and many others!) says about side quests and distractions in her book Big Magic. When she found herself without inspiration, she felt compelled to garden. Not only did she garden, but she started learning about where seeds come from, how plants traversed the globe, and the people that spread them. Her next book ended up being about seed traders of the 19th century - a topic she never would’ve known existed if not for following her interests.
So, take it from both of us: you can’t just focus on one thing! We weren’t built to focus our attention so singularly, after all.
What are you interested in? What have you wanted to do for a while but haven’t because it would distract you from other commitments?
Whatever it is, I say go for it. You can always go back to where you started.
XOXO,
Madeleine
So, suffice to say, I’m back! With more inspiration (and scents) than ever.
Next week’s newsletter will be a guide to being a more spontaneous person (from someone who is not at all spontaneous). See you then!!
Thanks Stinky :) love the updates !!