chapter 13: creativity and bravery
trying new things and trying to get my creative spark back
If you aren’t intentional about it, adulthood can really get away from you. When you’re a kid, the future seems so far away. Your choices and preferences don’t seem like they’ll follow you forever. So, sure, I would love to be a paleontologist (my kindergarten dream - I was a dinosaur girl through and through) or pursue whatever my interest du jour might’ve been.
But after so many years of school, where everything is mapped out for you, it feels natural to cling to one path. And it’s difficult to figure out when the path has run its course.
I recently had my 1 year job anniversary and annual review, which was so anti-climactic my therapist and I coined a new term for what I was feeling: anti-excitement. As part of the review, I had to fill out one of those self-evaluation forms. Pretty straightforward… besides the part where it asked about my future career aspirations. I didn’t know. I still don’t know! I had to look up the answer online! I think I said something like “running my own team” or “spearheading marketing efforts,” even though the thought of doing those things filled me with a particular breed of resigned neutrality.
It got me thinking: what would I want to do instead? What did I used to like doing? What made me excited to get out of bed?
Neopets.
I would wake up at 5:30am in middle school to tend to my Neopets account. It eased my pervasive anxiety and made me feel ready(ish) for another grueling day of preteen existence.
Specifically, I ran Neopets “websites” where I would make pixels and graphics for other people. I don’t have anything from that era except this one blurry screenshot of my famous pixel website (literally famous - ranked #2!). But I worked on it for hours each week, grinding away so other Neopians could have cute pixels to put on their Neopets websites.
Like, I taught myself to code and make graphics all for my little website. I designed the whole thing by hand! And coded it from scratch! I can’t remember the last time I was so dedicated to anything. I can barely muster the enthusiasm to read an article for work. I can’t even get myself to write this newsletter consistently, even though I love doing it.
Sometimes, it seems like creativity is losing its place in the “adult world.” Ingenuity seems like it’s being valued less by the day. Most of the content I consume is so repetitive - and I can’t remember the last time I saw someone doing something that felt unique. It feels like everyone is just copying each other.
We are such visual creatures. It makes sense that we would take to social media to show off our personalities, our businesses, our brands. But with so much competition, you need to visually brand yourself if you want the right kind of exposure.
I recently watched a video about Booktok - aka the book side of TikTok. It dissects why so many have criticized Booktok (imagine criticizing people on the internet who like to show off what they’re reading). Among the reasons: everyone reads the same 20 books, the over-aestheticization of reading, and making reading into a trend/personality trait. I’ve also been dubious about the aestheticization of reading. After all, shouldn’t reading be more about the books than a pretty bookshelf? Quick answer: no. There’s nothing wrong with wanting things to look nice. And the visual branding of different genres (romance books look different from young adult books look different from classic lit… and so on) can help users quickly identify those with the same reading preferences.
Despite the utility of a consistent, easily-identifiable aesthetic, I still find myself resistant to the idea of “following the path.” Whether it’s my job (which improved since I started writing this newsletter two weeks ago) or my clothing or my creative pursuits, I don’t want to do things out of obligation to conform.
I’m not sure where I’m going, but as I map out the next steps of life, it feels good just to be cognizant of my own complicity. Onwards!
PS - I started writing this newsletter 3 weeks ago, and somehow so much has changed since then. Maybe it’s the warm weather or the exciting changes coming up, but I feel much less complacent and aimless than I did when I wrote this. What I said about waning creativity still rings true, but I feel more capable than ever to change the way I live and behave to be more intentional, creative, and free. So if I seem a little existential here, fear not - we’re on the upswing! More on that next time.
10 things I liked this month
soft recommendations & experiences
Really bad cramps that inspired some sartorial creativity
would recommend this hack - just tie the sleeves behind your back I rediscovered HINDZ on Youtube. He’s the best; his videos make me feel grounded, inspired, and soft-motivated. I loved his recent video on self-expression. He has a calming aura and his videos are all anti-clickbait. Highly recommend!
My first acai bowl, which was really good but definitely not worth $16??
The Studio Ghibli film Only Yesterday. It’s about a woman who wonders if her younger self would be happy with her adult life in the corporate world. It’s no Spirited Away (also watched this week), but I still liked it a lot!
Soaking up the last of the Weehawken city views
the NYC skyline still looks so foreign to me This newsletter on book hoarding. I’m always waffling between wanting a giant bookshelf full of neatly organized novels and my compulsive need to purge my belongings, and I feel like this just captured my mindset perfectly. I especially like this quote:
“I find the idea of hoarding [books] rather sad. While books can feel vital and precious, owning a lot of them can be a stand-in for your personality - as if simply owning a lot of books makes one ‘know things.’”
Books are vital and precious - which is why I like to pass my favorites on to people who will enjoy them. (if you want one, let me know!)An entire jar of olives?? I famously hate olives (they taste rancid to me), but something about the garlic-stuffed variety from Trader Joe’s turned me into a fiend
even took a picture to ensure a future purchase I am trying to switch scrolling on Instagram to scrolling on apps like Substack and the NYT. So far, I’ve just doubled my overall scrolling time, but at least I’ve found a few new favorite newsletters:
- Craft Talk, a newsletter about writing and thinking and the art of being a creative. I like it so much that I ordered the author’s memoir!
- Monday Monday, which focuses on living a creative life and making space for yourself/your interests. The author includes a lot of creative exercises and just… always seems to know what to say.
- Perfectly Imperfect is a weekly listicle from various low-key celebrities and artists on their favorite things. I’m always fascinated by peoples’ preferences, so reading these is like a dream.
- Human Stuff, which is a newsletter about being a person and processing your life and emotions. Somehow, they always seem omnisciently relevant to my own lifeFeeling very strong a confident at the gym!
yeah… 40lbs for bent-over rows! Getting inspired and riled up to be creative again! Expect more newsletters :)
Until next time,
Madz